My New Life

I was feeling brave at my last consultation with Dr McLean. We were discussing my scan and having a good look at all the tumours on my lungs, not a lovely experience, and deciding on the best way forward. Which turns out to be a scan in four months time and meantime no treatment.

I asked her how long this could go on for and after some time she said, maybe a year. I think she meant that I could possibly go on like this for a year, but I lost my bottle and didn't ask her to clarify. I guess I was scared she meant I had a year left to live. Having thought about it some more I've decided that she wasn't saying I had a year left to go.

So lets get on with things.

I have decided to start a new life. I think I've probably started a few new lives in the past but none of them consciously or by design. I don't know how long my new life will be. Not as long as my old one, but long enough for me to get some enjoyment out of life. At least it will be once my surgeon sorts out my bowel problems.

The main thing is that I do not intend to let my cancer dominate my new life. Of course that will be difficult at times, especially when I need more treatment, but I'm hoping that is some time in the distant future.

I realise having just said that cancer will not dominate, that its easier said than done.

So I have to have a plan my life a bit more. I will aim to do something interesting or new or exciting everyday.  Sometimes that will be nothing more than meeting a friend for a coffee, going for a meal, maybe a movie, hopefully a few theatre visits, many trips to Edinburgh galleries and museums, and do some travelling. I also plan to complete my family research including my father and his brothers war experiences.

I will of course continue with my blog. I hope that cancer will be less intrusive in my postings for a while at least. I plan to create an iBook. This will be mostly based on my blog postings over the past ten years. And maybe some other  bits and pieces.

When I bought my MacBook Pro I paid for a years one to one training at the Apple shop in Princes Street and I'm really pleased that I did. The young folk who work here are excellent and very helpful and understanding. One of them noticed that my blog would be a year old in August 2016 and told me that we would  celebrate its anniversary. I hope to be here to celebrate with him.

I'm writing this post upstairs in the Apple shop, with views of the Castle behind me and Calton Hill in front. What more could one ask for? This is a good life. Let's hope there's lots more of it to come.

Sequamur

Last week I went to see a Gaelic play called Sequamur which was on here in Edinburgh at the venue called Summerhall, formerly affectionately know as the Dick Vet.

Sequamur is the motto of my old school The Nicolson Institute in Stornoway, where I spent six, mostly happy years, except for the odd moment or two which were not exactly happy. But that's for another time.

Sequamur means Let us follow, though after seeing the play, in many ways, let us not, as the author Donald S Murray, from Ness, also a former pupil, says.

The play was written for the centenary of the First World War as it affected the people of Lewis and especially the pupils of the Nicolson Institute and their headmaster (rector) William Gibson. Those of you who went to the Nicolson Institute, and there are one or two of you reading this, will remember that in the old Francis Street building there was a brass memorial plaque on the upstairs landing commemorating all the school pupils killed in the First World War.

The author was inspired by memories of that plaque and by reading an account of the speech made by William Gibson when he unveiled the plaque and spoke about his former pupils and their sacrifice, wondering if it had been worthwhile. They obviously held him in the highest regard and many of them went on to write to him from the trenches of Europe or from Gallipoli, where so many of them fought and died. Those letters and the speech are now held by Museum nan Eilean in Stornoway amongst all Gibson's papers. Extracts from some of the letters are printed in the programme for the play and were used by Donald in his background research.

I found the experience very moving and emotional and I'm so glad that I was well enough to go. The play ended with the roll of honour for the Newington area of Edinburgh scrolling up on the screen behind the actors, to the sound of the bagpipes playing the last post, which I thought was coming through the speakers, until I saw the piper march through the theatre and stand in front of the stage as the roll scrolled on. Fair took my breath away, as they say. And couldn't help but think about my father and his brother, and their war history and then I remembered my own mortality and had to work hard not to embarrass myself with my tears.

I spoke to the author afterwards in the cafe and told him how much I appreciated his play. He had been to Gillespie School the day before to do a workshop for the students there studying Gaelic and I was very impressed to see so many students watching the play. Well done all concerned for a superb production.

A Bit of a Result

Today I got some reasonably good news from oncology, which is a first for them.

Dr MacLean tells me that the cancer has not spread to any other organs and there are no new tumours on my lungs, which is all good news. However the tumours that are there have all grown in volume since the last scan in November, but the growth is small, none of them having doubled in size. The largest is now just over 8 mm across and the smallest just about 5 mm. I think there are seven or eight of the little devils.

I had hoped for a no change situation, but I guess this is next best thing. At least it's not aggressive so that's a bit of a result.

Dr MacLean is happy with the result and thinks I might go on like this for some months and maybe even longer. But no way of telling. I don't require treatment for the time being, so no chemo for a while. I will return for a scan in four months to see how things are progressing, slowly I hope, and maybe even six months should I decide to do some travelling. This will depend on progress sorting out my residual bowel problems and me getting fitter, which is partly dependent on me getting some complete nights of sleep, bowels permitting.

But enough of that for now. I feel happier than I have for a while, at least as happy as it's possible to be with incurable cancer. So onwards and upwards.

This will be short tonight as I'm awaiting the arrival of my pal John B to watch the big game with me and I've a few calls to make before that.

"The sky seemed to split apart from end to end to pour its fire down upon me."

Meursault just before he pulled the trigger, as reported by A. Camus.

Sometimes I feel the same.

Another Appointment

This is the time of year my late mother liked best, as the days get longer, the dark nights drift away and spring approaches. I like it too, more and more as the years go by. I have to make the most of these little moments of bliss as there may not be too many more left for me. Mind you I'm still hoping for a few more.  I wouldn't like you to think I've given up on the future, short or long as it may be.

I should know more tomorrow about what the future holds for me as it's time for my appointment with my oncologist, Dr Maclean, again. She will be giving me the results of my latest scan which I had ten days ago. The best I can hope for is that the tumours on my lungs have not grown since my last scan in November, or are developing very slowly and that no treatment is required. The alternative outcomes are too grim for me to describe on here. I feel if I write it I might be tempting fate, so best not to. Not that I believe in fate, sounds too Calvinistic.

It's a strange feeling knowing that as I sit here and await the news my doctors already know and have probably discussed my prognosis. It doesn't seem right somehow.

I'm not going to write much more today. I know I've been very lazy recently when it comes to writing, but my excuse is my ill health. I miss a lot of appointments and arrangements with friends because I can't leave my flat and I certainly am not able to concentrate on writing. Even reading gets difficult. Sometimes I'm still reading the Saturday Guardian and the Observer on a Wednesday or Thursday. Mind you it does save money as I don't need to buy a paper during the week.

Having said that I'm still working my way through various books, the latest one I finished was called A book of death and fish by a Lewis writer called Ian Stephen. A bit of a challenge as its well over 500 pages, but well worth the effort. Maybe best suited for folk who love the Island but don't let that put you off. It's highly recommended in a review by Robert Macfarlane whose new book Landmarks I bought for myself today. I hope to get the time to read it and maybe get to meet Robert if he comes to this years book festival. Maybe my friend John L and I will go again and this time get to the front of the queue to speak to him.

I hope someone among you will be reading and recommending Robert Macfarlane long after I'm no longer here. " he has a poet's eye and a prose style that would make many a novelist burn with envy" or so says John Banville,  whose judgement I think we can all trust.

I've bought myself a MacBook Pro and still getting used to it.  I really like it and hope to post lots and lots to my blog now that I've spent all that money . Mind you it's not as if I can't afford it as my plans for  trips to South America begin to look less likely.

Tomorrow I might find out.