Happy New Year (belatedly)

Nobody said it would be easy, but I didn't realise it would be this hard (as the man didn't quite say). I haven't written anything since Xmas day so I guess it must be time I put pen to paper, or at least hand to keyboard.

It's two months ago today I was told that I had metastases on both lungs, and I'm still adjusting to the news. I can sometimes forget about the cancer for an hour or two, if I'm watching a good movie or chatting to good friends or sleeping, but mostly it hangs over me, like the worst enemy imaginable, always nagging and reminding me it's still there waiting for me, knowing only too well that some day it will get me.

I'm walking down the street minding my own business, living my life, quietly nowadays, when the voice comes in to remind me I've got cancer and I know nothing will ever be the same, and I wonder why all these blameless people I see around me don't realise what my life has become. How can they behave as if nothing has changed when I'm feeling so bad?

I read the paper and a young woman of 35 has died of colorectal cancer, leaving behind twin boys five years of age and I know her situation was much more difficult than mine. Then I read that the NHS is cutting funds for some cancer treatments as we can't afford the cost of some new drugs which may prove useful. Where's the justice in that?

I discovered from a BBC radio programme about a new type of radiotherapy called stereotactic ablative radiotherapy which, according to the programme has proved effective in the treatment of some cancers, as it can be more accurately and effectively targeted, and especially effective in secondary bowel cancer on the lung. In some cases 100% effective. So I asked my oncologist about it and she agreed to see me yesterday to talk about it.

NHS in England has told it's hospitals to stop using it. It is more expensive in the short term but less expensive long term as patients require only 4 or 5 treatments as compared to 20 using normal treatment. It was provided in Scotland by the Beatson in Glasgow, but they no longer use it, for some reason which I've yet to fathom. My oncologist insists it was a clinically based decision. There are still a few hospitals in England using it as they were able to make a clinically based case for it. Scottish patients would need to be referred for it by the oncologist and the authority would have to agree the funding.

My oncologist will not refer me or recommend me for it. This is because I have too many lesions (tumours), multiple small ones, though exact number is unknown. She says there are 6 or 7, but no one seems to have counted. There are too many lesions for surgery to be safe, and they use the same criteria for stereotactic therapy decisions. So I have too many for surgery and/or radiotherapy and if I had only a few they would operate, as this is most effective treatment. Which seems to suggest there are no situations where stereotactic therapy would be appropriate. Heads I lose and tails too.

If this is confusing for you, don't blame me. Imagine how it feels for me. What a bugger!!!! to say the least.

A Happy New Year to you all, and thank you for your cards and messages and visits. I plan to see more of you all this year. Tomorrow I'm back at the hospital to see my surgeon Mr Speake.