Hotter new shoes and Mr Speake (no connection)

For the past eighteen months that I've been living with cancer I always thought I would survive it and come out the other end of treatment cancer free. The operations and treatment have been incredibly hard to live with but were tolerated with good grace in order to be cancer free. Now things have changed utterly, though no terrible beauty is born, and it looks as if I'm not going to survive it after all. Though one never knows and hope must remain, even if vanishingly small.

The only way I can describe the way I feel is that there's a deep sadness, an incredible loss and much confusion. Loss of my life, loss of love, loss of friendships. Not knowing how it all turns out for the world and all the things that mean so much to me. It doesn't look as if I'm going to see the revolution, but I thought we might have got closer than this. So come on folks get a grip and get on with it.

I don't feel anger or despair or depression, though it does hover about somewhere and I know I must do my best to fight it off. I have no intention of spending the rest of my days being depressed and sorry. Having said that it's still a constant struggle and I have to argue with myself constantly to keep going and to live for the future, however brief it may be. Concentration is frequently a problem and persuading myself that something is still worth doing even if it might be for the last time.

I took a wander down Princes Street yesterday and after visiting the Apple shop and not buying myself a MacBook Air or Pro ( which should I buy) I decided to buy a new pair of shoes from Hotter, who make very nice lightweight shoes, ideal for me. I'm sitting there being served and waiting for the guy to come back with my size and it's impossible not to think what's the point and then having persuaded myself that there was a point, a voice began to tell me that this could be the last pair of shoes I will ever buy. Terrible. So one has to pull oneself together and just pretend nothing has changed.

Sorry if I repeat myself in these posts but my memory plays tricks on me too.

Coinneach and I met Mr Speake, my consultant and main man on Wednesday. The team have reviewed my case and all agree with his diagnosis. Surgery of any sort is not possible or likely to be worthwhile. I will now see the consultant oncologist next Thursday to discuss possible treatment and prognosis. Sometimes I think I would like to know how long I've got and other times I wonder if that would be of any help. If she tells me I've got six months for example, is that good or bad? Would I be better not to know? I will play it by ear once I'm with her. I've definitely decided I want to see my scan on her PC, as I want to know for myself what my lungs looks like now, and how far the cancer has got, and just see for myself  this thing that wants to take my life.

Mr Speake spent nearly an hour with us and would have spent more if I hadn't made a move. I asked him about travelling long distance to Peru. He knew my desire to return there and had told me before that I would be able to return. Given my new circumstances he now advises me against long haul flights, on medical grounds, but says he would understand on a personal level if I decided to ignore his advice. I won't make a decision for a week or two, but Peru now looks unlikely. Which causes me more sadness, more loss.

Mr Speake has promised me that he will take his son Isaac to Peru some day, and go with him to Cusco and Machu Picchu, and he will think of me when they get there. I know that he will do that for me.

I want to thank you Mr Speake for all that you have done for me, for looking after me so well, for successfully removing my tumour from a very difficult location, and for making me cancer free in my colon. We were not to know that it would travel from my bowel and settle in my lungs. I feel that you have become my friend now and not just a surgeon treating me. I was very lucky indeed to have you as my consultant. I think that was just meant to be. Someone was looking out for me when they put me on your list of patients. So thanks again and you will love Peru for sure.