Amour

I guess it's time to be writing again, now that I'm back home in Edinburgh. I'm sitting at my desk with a view to The Pentland Hills from the window behind me and the newish moon hanging up there over the Hills reassuringly. And life goes on. I remember a few weeks ago watching the new moon rising over Cuzco and thinking of being home in Scotland and now here I am thinking about being back in Cuzco. But I do wish that Cuzco wasn't so high up in the sky and so much nearer to the moon. Or is it? And so life goes on. But I do wish it would slow down sometimes and give me a chance to catch up with all that happens.

A few days ago I went to see "Amour" at The Filmhouse. Truly a great movie, one of the best I've seen for a very long time. Simply superb. It's a film by Michael Haneke and is a story of love,  illness, compassion, caring, end of life and death. Sounds grim I know but its not like that at all. It's life affirming in fact. Devastatingly and totally believable.

Magnificent performances by Jean-Louis Trintignant and Emmanuelle Riva, playing the two octogenarians facing up to life's travails together, acting of the highest quality. Some very funny moments and some enchanting bits, as when they come home from a concert and he turns to her and says " You were looking very pretty tonight". ( you look wonderful tonight as Mr Clapton said once upon a time). Some shocking bits too, but you will have to go and see the movie to find out about those. This movie will make you want to live life to the full, and treasure every moment of it, whatever that may mean in your life and hopefully at the end your memories will see you safe.

The film brought back some difficult memories to me of caring for my father as he died. The last few days of his life were distressing for him and for my mother and in a lesser way for me. I knew for a long time that he was dying, as did he, and sometimes, I have to admit I wished he would get on with it. His last night alive was the worst of all as he was so disturbed. At midnight we (my mother and I) decided to call the doctor. The young doctor who arrived shall remain nameless. He asked my mother and my aunt, who was also there for some reason, known only to herself, to go to bed.

So it was just him, my father and me. He gave my father a morphine jag, but this didn't calm him down, so he gave him another one. It's hard to describe my father's behaviour as he was so very disturbed, so much so that the second dose of morphine failed to calm him down. I then realised that the doctor was making sure that my father would die peacefully, in fact a mercy killing I suppose. So he gave him a third injection. I often think about this night and what happened. I think the doctor did the right thing, but I know my father would not have wanted it. So who knows, or can tell what is right in these circumstances.

The doctor stayed with us for an hour by which time my father was sleeping soundly, or unconscious, i don't know which. But he was at peace. I spent the night with him and didn't go to bed, just sat there with him and probably had a cigarette or two as he lay there. So many things I wanted to  tell him but now couldn't. So I told him anyway, I'm sure he would have been shocked, amazed had he been able to hear some of the things I told him. Nowadays I like to think that he did hear me and told me all was well.

He died the next day. Having spent the night with him I went to bed about 9 o'clock in the morning. I got up for dinner later that afternoon. Went in to see him for half an hour or so, then went for dinner. When I went back to see him, he had died alone. I was angry with him for being so selfish and not letting me be with him when he finally passed away. Stupid I know. I should have been annoyed with someone else, maybe god?

That's a long story brought on by the movie. I shall probably go back to see it. I highly recommend it.

I hope those of you who have been checking my blog since I left Peru and not seen any posts will forgive me, but it's taken a few days to adjust to life back in UK. Hope this post makes up for it and shall be posting regularly in future.